It hurts. It feels as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and stepped on right in front of me. I feel hollow, confused, lost, and devastated. Yet again, it’s another diagnosis. I never knew that it would just keep adding up. That my life would become a game of whack-a-mole. There was a point in my life where I was told “it was all in my head”. Once I got my first diagnosis it seems that the rest are just rushing through. And I can’t seem to stop it.
I cannot help but think “how could there be this much wrong with me?”. I end up crying because I feel like I can’t grasp all that has been given to me. I am truly overwhelmed. When my journey with my health first started, I kept being promised what I call the ‘if you do this—you will feel better’. It was that I needed to start this medication and give it time to work – then I would feel better. To eat this certain diet, to try meditation, to exercise, to drink more water, to do yoga, and a million more things that have yet to help me. What happens when you try all these things and do everything, they tell you and you still get worse?
I wasn’t prepared for the later because I was so focused on taking every step to finally feeling better, to feel ‘normal’. As time goes on, I’ve gone from pills, to injections, to now infusions. Would you believe me if I told you, I still don’t feel all that much better? And the worst part is that my list of issues keeps growing. Nor have I been able to get a hold of this.
It’s a quite difficult place to be. I am thankful for answers because I know how devastating it feels to not have any! However, at the same time it is a lot to take in when your medical file feels like a novel. When I meet medical practitioners or new people in general, they look at me in shock, puzzled, and with true dismay.
I can assure you I am not searching for pity. I don’t expect anyone to feel bad for me. What I am looking for is some understanding that right now I am going through some hard times. And it’s okay for me not to be OK. I am scared of the reality and fragility of my life due to living with multiple chronic illnesses. I wasn’t given a “how-to-guide” or “chronic-illness for dummies” at the time of diagnosis to help me navigate through this new life. I keep trying to build myself back up every time I get knocked down. I keep learning a new normal only to shortly learn a new one. I am exhausted. I’m spent. I could really use a break.
I never could have imagined my life would have turned out this way. Living with nothing but limitations and rules. I see doctors, medical staff, labs, imagery, more than family and friends. I try to not live in fear of what is or can be coming my way, but it’s harder than it looks.
All I can do is hold on to hope that one day it won’t be this hard. That all this ‘work’ to get better will actually pay off. That all that has been stripped away from me will eventually come back. In the meantime, I would appreciate if people would allow me to feel the feelings I need to be felt. Because it feels like life is literally throwing punches at me, yet I still haven’t backed down.