Have you ever thought that one day you’d wake up and your life would completely change? Did you ever think that you might lose the person you once were? I know, I didn’t. I always saw myself as fun, spontaneous, and happy. If someone asked me to describe myself today, I couldn’t imagine using any of those words.
I was never ‘normal’, but I wasn’t this bad either. Though I would have to give myself credit for coming as far as I have since my official diagnosis. I couldn’t even imagine going back to where I was both physically or mentally.
But there is this other new feeling that has accompanied my diagnosis, it’s called ‘insecurity’. I can’t say I was ever 100% confident, but lately its almost down to zero.
I would say my biggest worry is my marriage. Not because he makes me feel that way. Its the way my mind makes me feel. Then I see other people’s experiences and I worry; a lot. For right now he seems content. But what if I can’t be that girl I once was? What if I won’t be able to be the girl of his dreams? What is the girl of his dreams is jumping out of an airplane and not someone who is “sick”?
He married me before my diagnosis. Before the bad got ugly. So far, he’s still around. But what if one day he’s not? I find myself wanting to push more than I should just, so I don’t seem too ‘boring’. I think it’s good to have a push, but why do I have this fear?
When I met my husband, I was 16 years old. He was 18, and he loved being outdoors and never stood still. He wants to live in Colorado and all I can think of is how much pain that might cause me. I am scared of holding him back from his true potential and happiness.
Not only am I not as fun as I used to be… a part of me is gone. And I can’t say if she will ever come back; I’ve changed for better or for worse.
The pit in my stomach when I see another girl who in my eyes is “perfect”, kills me that maybe one day I won’t be enough anymore. That all that is broken inside me will finally take its toll. That his answer to when I say, “Your better off without me, a girl like that, is what you need”, that his dreaded answer might be a “yes, actually, you are right”.
I think my biggest fear is that I wouldn’t be able to breathe ever again. But I wouldn’t ever want him to settle or stay with me out of pity. He deserves his true happiness, even if it’s not with me. He deserves that tanned, beauty, adventurous girl who will hold his hand when jumps from that airplane in Colorado. The girl who can give him the children and family he has always wanted with no problem. A girl who is a whole, not broken.
I worry about the day, when this just isn’t enough anymore. When he might just turn around and walkaway. The day that my mind makes up each and every day, my nightmare comes true. I have loved him since the day I met him. He’s the only person I’ve ever really been with. I truly believe he holds my heart and soul. But he also holds the ability to break me into a million pieces. And I have absolutely no control over this. This is a scenario that plays in my mind. Its anxiety. But in the end what can I do? He hasn’t done anything wrong, I don’t have a reason NOT to trust him. All I have is, I know I have a fear and I hope that is never comes true.