“Click, click” is all I hear while I sit in front of my computer screen biting my lower lip trying my hardest not to cry (telling myself I need to be strong). “Oh no,” I can feel a tear fall down my face; there is the beginning of me grieving the person I used to be. These days our social media has become the center of where we post our pictures and stories of our lives. I know I share everything on my pages – the good, the bad and the not so pretty.
Sometimes I scroll through my old Facebook albums or Instagram feed and I can see it. I can see how my chronic illness has changed me. It’s not just in my appearance, it’s in my actual expression. I look at the smile on the girl in the pictures today and she looks hurt or broken inside. The girl in pictures years ago, she looks alive – happy, free, with energy!
I want to be her again, more than anyone could ever imagine. But I can’t… I can’t do 90 percent of anything I did in those photographs and when I see them my heart breaks a little more each time. This isn’t my first time doing this and I doubt it will be my last. I need to know though, when will the day come that I no longer grieve the person I once was? The girl I can simply no longer be? This new me is different and she is having a hard time finding her way.
As soon as life slows down for a minute and she gets a moment to herself that’s when it hits. It feels like someone hit you with a bag of bricks and knocked the wind out of your lungs. You cry, you get angry, you get all types of emotions but there is no turning back.
I know I cannot let this go on any longer. I am sure it’s not good for my health. I’ve thought I had come to terms with my illnesses many times. This circle of sadness needs to be put to bed and not brought out any longer. I need to be stronger, keep going, fight and no longer look back.
But I doubt it will happen. I’m sure all of us have something we just can’t let go; unfortunately for me it’s my prior self.
Previously posted on https://themighty.com/2018/04/grieving-the-old-me-before-lupus/
One Tough Spoonie 
I literally felt like it was me writing this. I feel so conflicted when I look through old photos of myself but I also feel happiness at the same time hoping one day I will get some of that back! Do you ever just put on makeup to feel you are the old you or have taken up any new hobbies? Xxx
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Yes I do try! And I’ve come along way.But there is definitely a very long road ahead of me. I hope to have better days! I have tried to take up new hobbies but they definitely are not as “fun” as my old ones. To be honest, I am OK with that because doing things that don’t worsen my pain is always a great thing.
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I totally understand what this feels like, and I’m sad to hear that you’re struggling with it right now. It truly is heartbreaking 😦 I wanted to share with you two articles I wrote on this very same topic (and same thought process), in hope that it will help you in some way:
https://www.sicklessons.com/me-version-1-2-3/
https://www.achronicvoice.com/2016/12/20/grieving-life/
Am only sharing in hopes that it will help you, so feel free to not publish this comment to your site if you don’t want to 🙂 Please take care!
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Thank you for your comment and understanding. I will definitely check these out. And I will approve this. I think if anyone comes to the page and looking for similar stories this might be helpful to them.
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Thank you. I do hope it’s helpful, and may you have better and brighter days soon x
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Thank you! I hope the same for you.
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