Life constantly teaches us lessons. Whether they are lessons we want or ones we didn’t think we needed. I am truly one of those people who see the glass both half empty and half full. I am neither extremely negative nor positive. To be honest I’ve always been right in between because I see life as life. I’ve had more negative experiences than positive. But I also know that I do focus more on the negative than appreciating the positive. This is something I am currently working on within and probably will take me a lifetime to accomplish. But when you grow up always sick, forever searching for what is wrong with you, and grow up in a broken, drama-filled household, it takes a serious toll on your life.
Now, in my mid- to late 20s I am perplexed and continuously asking myself, why? What did I do to deserve my illnesses? Where did I take the wrong turn? How long of a lesson am I supposed to be learning? How is it that I’d consider myself a pretty good person but at times I feel like a dark cloud follows me around? I wonder so much. But does everything always have an actual answer? They say everything happens for a reason, but why this? Why does anyone have to ever experience suffering, no matter what type it might be? I don’t know why I care so much about it, but I do. I wear my heart on my sleeve and actually feel pain for others. This ends up causing more stress and is a terrible thing for autoimmune diseases, but I cannot help it.
I truly think that since I look at the world in such a realistic and different way, that people end up reading me the wrong way and think I’m a negative person. But that’s not it! I am just honest and know that life can be hard, ugly and hurtful. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. And if you catch me on a day where my pain level is at a seven or higher and you ask me how my day is going, I am going to tell you that it’s crap, because that’s what it is and that’s the truth.
I don’t believe in lying or facades. Because me telling you that everything is amazing doesn’t help either of us. Maybe you’d rather hear something else, but you’re not going to get that from me. I do my very best to put my best foot forward and people have told me I actually seem to be much more positive than they’d be in my situation. But just know I function like a “normal” person while always in pain or discomfort.
I believe I deserve credit for not giving up and being the best me I can be. Because giving up would be a lot easier, and I wouldn’t have to deal with people’s opinions about me. So, stop judging people for being honest as negative because most likely they’re not. Life has just treated them a certain way and that’s how they feel. And most importantly, don’t underestimate someone going through something you simply don’t understand.
I am chronically ill, not by choice. So please understand that life is different for me. I would never wish this upon anyone. And to you I may not seem very positive, but to me I don’t seem fake. So, while we are on this journey called life, let people be who they are.
P.S. Telling someone to be “more” positive doesn’t make them happy, nor will it cure my incurable disease.
Previously published on https://themighty.com/2018/03/honesty-illness-not-negativity/