My heart feels like it’s been broken into a million pieces. That I am standing in a dark room seeing all the scattered glass around me. Crawled into a ball I am trying to hold back the tears, trying to put the pieces of my puzzling life back together. It’s becoming harder and harder to breathe and all I can feel is my heart beating through my chest. I turn to look around me and all I see is darkness and no one is around to help…
That’s what it feels like to be alone. A feeling that no one is there when you reach out. To feel that in darkest of times, it’s only you. I get this feeling often, more often that I would like. Lately I’ve had a series of unfortunate events happen one after another. I am at the point where I don’t want anymore! Between my health and my life around me; I need a break.
My questions are simple. But I doubt anyone could answer them simply.
What do you do when the last person you thought would make you feel alone… does? What do you do when you thought this person understood you and one else did… doesn’t? What happens when the last person you have to vent to doesn’t want to hear it anymore? What do you do when you feel more alone than you’ve ever felt in your life?
I’ll be honest, my life has always been difficult. It’s never been a princess story. If there was a story to be written similar to mine, it’s probably will not be a happy one. But since I was a teenager I was lucky. Lucky to have someone with me and by my side through it all. Unfortunately, there are times that even this person says the most hurtful things. And even though I love some of these people more than anything I start to have some anger build up in me.
People on the outside just view me as ‘stressed’, but that’s not it all. I care too much about life and those things around me. The disease I have isn’t forgiving for this type of thing, it becomes more active with stress; typical of most autoimmune diseases. I wish that people wouldn’t see me as stressed, but see me as caring, loving, empathetic, sympathetic, or some other ‘nice’ term.
Living and being chronically ill isn’t the happiest of lives, you are robbed of many things and they will never be returned. This life is extremely testing and flat out not something I wasn’t prepared for. I wasn’t given an option, it just happened.
I understand that it’s hard for those around me to see me at my worst. I even understand when they tell me they have become tired of hearing me complain about my pain. But what these people don’t understand and quite frankly I’m not sure they ever will is… I am tired of complaining about my pain, I am tired of BEING in pain, I am tired of this never ending roller coaster my life has become, I am tired of not being able to do certain things, I am tired of not being sure when and if I will ever go back to the person I was, I am actually tired of being tired, and most of all I am tired of others not realizing that this isn’t my choice!!!
May is a month about awareness for many diseases and we are all trying to bring awareness for the ones we suffer from, or someone we know who is. But what we also need to bring awareness to, is how we treat those who are suffering from these illnesses. I can assure you there has been times that something someone has said to me has made me feel like I should just give up on my life. Yes, I admit it. But it’s wrong. And I stand here today to be strong. I will give myself my own credit for coming so far and be proud of myself. I see my growth, accomplishments, and the differences! I am no longer going to look for others to give me that appreciation. I keep looking to others, when I really need to do is start looking at myself. Because no matter what relationship it is in your life, that person has the possibility to maybe one day let you down, or not be here anymore. And that’s OK. Because you have yourself! And that’s who you really need.
P.S You might be tired of hearing it, but I am extremely tired of feeling it.
Previously published https://themighty.com/2018/05/feeling-alone-lupus-sick/